So I'm here pt. 3

The week of Sept. 14, I stopped at my dad's house to pick up some dress clothes.  Before I left, his girlfriend asked to speak with me.  The conversation we had blessed my life.  She told me that she wanted to speak with me ever since she moved. She filled in a lot of blank spots about their relationship and I had the chance to really let her in on the WHOLE story.  To say the least it was a GOOD shift.  My dad does not know about this meeting.

Later on that week (thur) I had a dream that would reveal to me the extent of my situation.

{dream begins}

I went to my dad's house to visit his girlfriend.

The house looked like a mix of all the houses I've lived in.

My dad was not home and I went to my old bedroom waiting for her to come up the stairs.

She came up the stairs and we began talking about her surgery.

Some how, we fall asleep on the bed.

I hear a rattling on the door and look to my right to see my father coming in the room.

He runs to Angela and hits her so hard!

I roll out of the bed and look at him, confused and anger

"what is wrong with you" I say as I pick up the phone to call the police

As his girlfriend turns to me and tells me to get something he says

"why don't you leave"

I put down the phone, pick up a lamp, and turn to him.

With all the PASSION in my heart I say, "I hate you"

As I chock back tears from anger, I say "you are a horrible father"

{dream ends}

When I wake up from this, I can barely breath. I was very upset.  I never thought I hated my father.  I let it marinate and I shared it with a his girlfriend, my mom and close friends.  The verdict of the dream: I indeed hate my father.  But because I've learned to suppress it.. it doesn't live on the surface of my actions and emotions.  I want to cry... but I can't... and I don't want to.  Why??? I feel ashamed that I've let it get this bad.  But God is bringing it to my attention to begin the healing process.  Well when I finally realized what the dream meant and what God is trying to do I realize that I have scheduled a dinner with my father for Sept. 25.  I pray.. God says go. So I go.

Dinner was good.  my father apologized about the whole incident, his behavior, and said that he love me so much.  I'm his best friend.

In my brain, I'm finding it hard to believe that I am his best friend.  It saddens me that my father does not put this much effort into his relationships with all his children.  I speak, telling him that the whole incident had to happen.  The closet of compressed rage and anger, needed to be cleaned out.  I told him I'm going back to the beginning... and allowing God to clean me out. I start to cry as I tell him, I want to have a relationship with you, I want to say I love you and mean it. "don't cry, don't cry.  look why don't you come home and we can sort this all out"

{WHOAAA stop the bus, i yell in my head}

 " NO! I'm not coming home."

 "you can bring your dogs"

 "No. I'm good where I am.  We will work this out from where I am"

This kills him internally.  In the past our feuds have been mended by his ability to either help me financially or in some manner that made him feel powerful over the situation.  Not this time.  God is making me stronger and I don't need his money or his usually services.  He even offered to move me in to my own place. I didn't take the bait. Usually I would but not this time, nor anytime in the near future.

He said lets go to counseling.  Best thing I heard him say all night.  Then he says he has a minister friend.  Another red flag.  I decide I'll find he counselor. Someone we both do not know.  I go into the weekend feeling good that I made it through that.

Knowing that God is really putting me on a pathway of his will for my life.  And all I can say is thank you.  So I'm here...  where God wants me.

Thanks to those who have been praying for me.

part 3 iEnd