So I'm here pt. 2

9/4/09 -Sitting in a new environment. I am lost completely. Thoughts of my life ending plague my brain. Friday night, I show up at my aunts house, as she tells me my brother drove off with her car. I realize at that moment, something is buggin him. We are dealing with the same demon, different way. At lease he doesn't have to feel abandon, left behind. But I can relate to the feeling of no father. because as close as that man lives, he might as well be thousands of miles away. I slowly move my stuff into the house. There is not enough room for me to move everything... suddenly I feel homeless. where is HOME!?!?!? and when will I get there. (looking up at God)

As I listen to my brother get lashes for taking the car, with his non licensed self, I hook my tv up and watch a movie praying to God from some kind of peace. That night I grabbed my arm and realized that it hurt really bad. When I look at my arm... WOW the bruise is HUGE!

swollen arm

these pictures were taken of my arm that friday. My neck was bruised because when he grabbed me, my earring dug into my ear and neck and I was kinda hanging from his hand. In the midst of the altercation I can remember telling him to stop talking so I could take my earring out cause my ear hurt so bad.

Sat. Rosie came to visit which was nice. Sunday, I can't remember all that went down, possibly church and then iHop. Not sure but I missed a phone call from the male sperm donor.

"You so mad at your father you can't call to check and see how HE'S doing?"

REALLY!?!?!?!?

I listen and the rage begins to build. I fuss and then let it go because he doesn't get it. All these years and he still doesn't get it. Here comes the week. What a way to spend labor day weekend! 9/4/09- 9/6/09 By that monday... my arm looked like this

a little more darker.. very painful

Sometime during the week, I visit the house because I need a few things. I hesitated to go because I don't want to see him. At this point I want nothing to do with him, I have nothing to say to him. or at least I don't think I do. (anger continues to brew and I'm not recognizing it. over the years i've become numb to it, totally ignoring but not letting it go). I refuse to go to the house if he is there alone. I don't feel safe at all. I can keep telling myself, he wont do anything, just go, get what you need and roll out... however, when I was 12, I watched my own brother cut himself with a knife and promise that because he drew his own blood, that he would never hurt me again. that promise last less then 24hours. From then on, I built my own philosophy. If you can do it once, no matter what you say, there is always a possibility that you can do it again. once is enough. and I know my dad is no good with promises. broke every last one while I was growing up. (i don't make them, unless I know there is no way i can break them unless I die). I got enough pain to deal with physically, mentally and spiritually.

I go.. upon walking in the door, I scare Angela (my dad's girlfriend/companion). I felt bad. I wanted to call but I wasn't sure if I was going. He calls me over to give me a hug and tell me that he loves me and misses me. After he lays all of that one, he asked if i was moving back in. NO. not at all! I mad sure he know I was just there to pick up a few things. I left. Felt a little better about my new living situation because I had a few more of my things. Life continued.

Work, doggies, now Mary Kay (Wed. 9/9/09 I joined MK! ), ANQ.

My arm by the next weekend.

The pain had finally subsided. My head/neck area was hurting a lot. I thought I would have to go to the hospital cause my neck became very stiff and the pain was becoming ridiculous . that would have been more drama for yo momma. I just hung in with it.

That weekend, I took the dogs to the dog park, helped my brothers niece, (his mother's daughter's child. He has two older sisters and two older brothers), like my dogs. Now she loves them and every time she come over, she wants to play with them. Sat. night everyone is asleep, or so we thought. My aunt wakes me up at 5am to tell me that my brother stole her car again, this time with 4 friends in and crashed it in a ditch. sighhhh the pain is spreading.

he's fine, we deal with it. My brother does not like dad. neither do I, or so I thought. it's much deeper. what another crazy weekend. sigh.

part 2 iEnd