So I'm here pt. 3

The week of Sept. 14, I stopped at my dad's house to pick up some dress clothes.  Before I left, his girlfriend asked to speak with me.  The conversation we had blessed my life.  She told me that she wanted to speak with me ever since she moved. She filled in a lot of blank spots about their relationship and I had the chance to really let her in on the WHOLE story.  To say the least it was a GOOD shift.  My dad does not know about this meeting.

Later on that week (thur) I had a dream that would reveal to me the extent of my situation.

{dream begins}

I went to my dad's house to visit his girlfriend.

The house looked like a mix of all the houses I've lived in.

My dad was not home and I went to my old bedroom waiting for her to come up the stairs.

She came up the stairs and we began talking about her surgery.

Some how, we fall asleep on the bed.

I hear a rattling on the door and look to my right to see my father coming in the room.

He runs to Angela and hits her so hard!

I roll out of the bed and look at him, confused and anger

"what is wrong with you" I say as I pick up the phone to call the police

As his girlfriend turns to me and tells me to get something he says

"why don't you leave"

I put down the phone, pick up a lamp, and turn to him.

With all the PASSION in my heart I say, "I hate you"

As I chock back tears from anger, I say "you are a horrible father"

{dream ends}

When I wake up from this, I can barely breath. I was very upset.  I never thought I hated my father.  I let it marinate and I shared it with a his girlfriend, my mom and close friends.  The verdict of the dream: I indeed hate my father.  But because I've learned to suppress it.. it doesn't live on the surface of my actions and emotions.  I want to cry... but I can't... and I don't want to.  Why??? I feel ashamed that I've let it get this bad.  But God is bringing it to my attention to begin the healing process.  Well when I finally realized what the dream meant and what God is trying to do I realize that I have scheduled a dinner with my father for Sept. 25.  I pray.. God says go. So I go.

Dinner was good.  my father apologized about the whole incident, his behavior, and said that he love me so much.  I'm his best friend.

In my brain, I'm finding it hard to believe that I am his best friend.  It saddens me that my father does not put this much effort into his relationships with all his children.  I speak, telling him that the whole incident had to happen.  The closet of compressed rage and anger, needed to be cleaned out.  I told him I'm going back to the beginning... and allowing God to clean me out. I start to cry as I tell him, I want to have a relationship with you, I want to say I love you and mean it. "don't cry, don't cry.  look why don't you come home and we can sort this all out"

{WHOAAA stop the bus, i yell in my head}

 " NO! I'm not coming home."

 "you can bring your dogs"

 "No. I'm good where I am.  We will work this out from where I am"

This kills him internally.  In the past our feuds have been mended by his ability to either help me financially or in some manner that made him feel powerful over the situation.  Not this time.  God is making me stronger and I don't need his money or his usually services.  He even offered to move me in to my own place. I didn't take the bait. Usually I would but not this time, nor anytime in the near future.

He said lets go to counseling.  Best thing I heard him say all night.  Then he says he has a minister friend.  Another red flag.  I decide I'll find he counselor. Someone we both do not know.  I go into the weekend feeling good that I made it through that.

Knowing that God is really putting me on a pathway of his will for my life.  And all I can say is thank you.  So I'm here...  where God wants me.

Thanks to those who have been praying for me.

part 3 iEnd

So I'm here pt. 2

9/4/09 -Sitting in a new environment. I am lost completely. Thoughts of my life ending plague my brain. Friday night, I show up at my aunts house, as she tells me my brother drove off with her car. I realize at that moment, something is buggin him. We are dealing with the same demon, different way. At lease he doesn't have to feel abandon, left behind. But I can relate to the feeling of no father. because as close as that man lives, he might as well be thousands of miles away. I slowly move my stuff into the house. There is not enough room for me to move everything... suddenly I feel homeless. where is HOME!?!?!? and when will I get there. (looking up at God)

As I listen to my brother get lashes for taking the car, with his non licensed self, I hook my tv up and watch a movie praying to God from some kind of peace. That night I grabbed my arm and realized that it hurt really bad. When I look at my arm... WOW the bruise is HUGE!

swollen arm

these pictures were taken of my arm that friday. My neck was bruised because when he grabbed me, my earring dug into my ear and neck and I was kinda hanging from his hand. In the midst of the altercation I can remember telling him to stop talking so I could take my earring out cause my ear hurt so bad.

Sat. Rosie came to visit which was nice. Sunday, I can't remember all that went down, possibly church and then iHop. Not sure but I missed a phone call from the male sperm donor.

"You so mad at your father you can't call to check and see how HE'S doing?"

REALLY!?!?!?!?

I listen and the rage begins to build. I fuss and then let it go because he doesn't get it. All these years and he still doesn't get it. Here comes the week. What a way to spend labor day weekend! 9/4/09- 9/6/09 By that monday... my arm looked like this

a little more darker.. very painful

Sometime during the week, I visit the house because I need a few things. I hesitated to go because I don't want to see him. At this point I want nothing to do with him, I have nothing to say to him. or at least I don't think I do. (anger continues to brew and I'm not recognizing it. over the years i've become numb to it, totally ignoring but not letting it go). I refuse to go to the house if he is there alone. I don't feel safe at all. I can keep telling myself, he wont do anything, just go, get what you need and roll out... however, when I was 12, I watched my own brother cut himself with a knife and promise that because he drew his own blood, that he would never hurt me again. that promise last less then 24hours. From then on, I built my own philosophy. If you can do it once, no matter what you say, there is always a possibility that you can do it again. once is enough. and I know my dad is no good with promises. broke every last one while I was growing up. (i don't make them, unless I know there is no way i can break them unless I die). I got enough pain to deal with physically, mentally and spiritually.

I go.. upon walking in the door, I scare Angela (my dad's girlfriend/companion). I felt bad. I wanted to call but I wasn't sure if I was going. He calls me over to give me a hug and tell me that he loves me and misses me. After he lays all of that one, he asked if i was moving back in. NO. not at all! I mad sure he know I was just there to pick up a few things. I left. Felt a little better about my new living situation because I had a few more of my things. Life continued.

Work, doggies, now Mary Kay (Wed. 9/9/09 I joined MK! ), ANQ.

My arm by the next weekend.

The pain had finally subsided. My head/neck area was hurting a lot. I thought I would have to go to the hospital cause my neck became very stiff and the pain was becoming ridiculous . that would have been more drama for yo momma. I just hung in with it.

That weekend, I took the dogs to the dog park, helped my brothers niece, (his mother's daughter's child. He has two older sisters and two older brothers), like my dogs. Now she loves them and every time she come over, she wants to play with them. Sat. night everyone is asleep, or so we thought. My aunt wakes me up at 5am to tell me that my brother stole her car again, this time with 4 friends in and crashed it in a ditch. sighhhh the pain is spreading.

he's fine, we deal with it. My brother does not like dad. neither do I, or so I thought. it's much deeper. what another crazy weekend. sigh.

part 2 iEnd

So I'm here pt. 1

It's taken me a while to actually be able to do this. I've been wanting to blog for a while now... Every since the madness began. That was a friday I will never forget.

You don't ever imagine that you own father would physically harm you, but it happened and it opened a whole new can of maggot filled worms. The reason it happened was not even huge. He technically wasn't even mad at me.. until I realized what he was about to do to my brother was not right. Was I wrong for jumping in like. NO! I would never thought that I would end up getting busted up and chocked in the process by the man that claims he love me and I'm his princess. But it happened. Everyone shocked, my mother confused. But it happened. I move out that day because I don't feel safe or comfortable being there. As a christian we should never feel comfortable but that was I'm a scared for my life uncomfortable. "you really think your dad would harm you" ummm yes, unfortunately. He apologizes and I don't know how to take it because I've had it. 27 years of lies, abandonment, and a feeling of him never caring once it had nothing to do with him. He's not my dad, he's the bank. It hurts so much. I end up living with my brother and his mom. I feel lost. House hopping.

part 1 iEnd

3 yr expiration date

(my longer blog. org. started 8/30/09)

Y do I always blog when I'm driving??? Guess I do my best thinking and reflecting when I'm driving. So I was driving to pick up my brother from a party he was DJing at. I kinda forgot him there. Definitely didn't mean too but I was so wrapped up in Avatar and making some gifts. Anywho, I've been meaning to blog for a while, but I always get the urge when I'm driving.

2 weeks ago, my uncle came in from Atl to visit his sister, my auntie. She had beast cancer surgery to remove the lump and it ride her of all cancer cells. (AMEN JESUS).

So Wed after I got of work, I called my dad to ask him where he was. I was hungry and didn't want to buy fast food so I went over to Auntie Momo's and ate. While there, Uncle Mike(Auntie Momo's husand), Auntie Chris, Uncle Jerry, Uncle Alfy and my Dad were all enjoying a drink for Uncle Mike's bday. So I was talking to Auntie Chris and somehow we got into the conversation about having kids because of her 2 daughter in college. ( one just started her freshman year and the other is sophomore).

So here goes my uncle: "Olney gurl, is when u having you chirin(children)?"

Me: "when I get married. I still have my dancing career that I want to take care of."

Uncle: "How old r u?"

Me: "27"

Uncle: "You betta hurry up. You only get tree(three) yrs left for have chirin"

Me: (laugh and then say) "na I'm good. I'll be aight"

He is not the first to ask me about kids but now he has given me an expiration date. Really?!?!? 3yrs ya'll 3yrs... that's it. After that, my uterus will forever be closed for business. Everything must go!!! No returns!! A HOT MESS.......Whenever God blesses me, I will be good and ready!

So after that happened, my Dad mentioned that Daddy Rachy (another uncle) was coming in to see Aunite Milli(the one that had breast cancer). So I volunteered to pick him up. BAD IDEA!

His flight came in at 11:55 but he didn't get to my car until 12:30. Now I asked him if Auntie Milli knew he was coming. No not at all. We show up at the door and my uncle knocks, and bangs and rings the door bell until someone woke up. I didn't get out of the car at first because I thought he was going to stay there. But then I went in side. This was around 1am... we stayed there until about 3:20am as they fried fish and drank liquor while sitting around talking about family members. This was hilarious to me. I've never been around my family while they did this. Well I falling asleep as Daddy Rachy yells at me:

DR: Niecey, you sleepy?

Me: yes

DR: Well, wake up! You talkin shtupedness bout you rant sleepy. You en gafa be at wuk until tree tutty(3:30). Rest ya self de gal.

Me: (i laugh) But I am sleepy Daddy Rachy

He keeps talking and caring on. Next thing you know, he's ready to see his other sister. So we jump in the car so he can see his other sister. we stay there about an hour. By this time I'm just like this is crazy. This is when I realize that my uncle only came to TX for several hours because when I got back to my dad's house between 5:30 -6am, my father comes walking down the stairs. "ya'll been out whole night" I just looked at my dad with the sleepy face. My dad took my Daddy Rachy to the airport for a 7am flight.

That night was long and special. Also showed me that my uncle (DR) got it like that. Well until next time.

iSleep, iThink

in the mean time...

I have a longer blog to post saved on my mac but I'm sitting at the port
of air waiting on my dad.

I just finished reading my soror's blog about her day to day dealing
with the death of her husband. Only after 2 months of marriage, God
called him home. It's amazing the impact that 1 person can have on the
human life. I never knew him but his spirit was always shining through
my soror and I cried when he passed. It hurt because they just began a
beautiful ministry together. But that ministry is still in progress as
she shares their relationship to the world. The love they had for each
other resembled the love of Christ. Selfless. Beautiful. I wished I
would had a chance to meet him.

I've been and still am in love. I pray my love for my husband
transcends through time just as My soror has. It's so beautiful.

Well pumping gas. About to be home w/my dad. We just had a debate
about me and cooking. Okay! It's not that I don't want to cook, but I
don't just like to cook rice & chicken, rice & fish, rice & whatever,
everyday!!!!! so not me. If I'm gonna cook, I want it to be fun and
enjoy what I'm making. When I get married, I know I'll get better. I'll
want to do it. But I don't do left overs past 2 days. Big no no! And
nothing is wrong with eating out. Just be healthy about your food
choices.

About to get my grub on at Little Jamaica. Yum yum! Until next time.

iEat iLive