Struggles

I am struggling...

I work a great job... I get paid great.. however, my hours are not enough and I wish I could pick up more. So then dilemma becomes making sure I can take care of myself.  Not really happening...

I live with my Auntie (praise God for her hospitality)
I'm always wondering how am I gonna put gas in my car to get to work.
Will I have enough money for food? (eating healthier is so expensive)
I have to pay for school outta pocket.... sigh... I'm still in school... WHY?!?!?!
I have student loans already wanting me to pay them back and straight up debit I put myself in...

So I cry out to the Lord about my struggles and every time I do, I hear him say, why are you worried.
I'm never hunger, I always get gas, I some how pay the bills I need too....

Being in this position is hard but not impossible to get through.  I've made it this far.
I can go further... I might be struggling but I'm still walking in faith because I know God has a reason for EVERYTHING!!!!


iHave Faith

2010...

So 10 yrs ago I graduated from High School... WOW!!!!  Now here I am... 10 yrs later... Much wiser about life. If you asked me 10 yrs ago where I would be, I would have said: Married, with kids living in MD, Teaching dance, and working my 9-5 computer job.  I didn't know myself then and I'm still learning myself now.

I'm an not married nor anywhere near it which means.. no children.
I am teaching dance but I have Degrees in Dance...  not computers
9-5's are so not cool...
and I'm in TEXAS!

I guess it will be interesting to see the all my friends from High School.  I didn't have enemies thank God, just people I didn't really talk to.

So this yr. I am writing out my goals on a check list.  Gotta get it done.  2009 honestly feels like a blur.... What sticks out the most about that year are a few things : Thesis, Moving out of Huntsville, Labor day weekend,  and becoming a Mary Kay consultant... how dull... :P

Well this yr will def be bigger especially with my move to NY!!!!  OHHH I can't wait.
I pray that this year belongs to God... completely. I need to give God the stool and stop trying to have a seat!  That is my number one goal this year. Once that's in lock.. everything else should fall into place...

iGiveitup to God...

Watch out now.....

Being sick is no fun.
I am sick.

Today is the last day of the year.
I am joining 24 hour fitness.
I love movies.. long walks on the beach.. sunsets and sunrises.. JESUS.. dogs.
I am single.
I am still in pursuit for great things.
I love my mother.
I have a father.

You are, who you are.
You made it to another year. PRAISE GOD.
You share.
You care.

I have no children.
I don't think I'm in love.
?????
I am still sick.

There are 3 people and a dog in my bed.
Watch out now....

:) iWish you a Happy New Year.

Approaching the end

Well Well Well....   it the end of an old and beginning of a new...
it comes around the same time.. same date... same expectations...
New year, new you...
all the weight lost people make TONS of money... Please spend money they don't have on Christmas gifts that they then have to spend the whole year to pay back to do it all over again later on in the new year. What an awesome time...
but people forget what Christmas is all about....  it's called CHRISTmas... DON'T forget CHRIST!!!

I miss God... have you ever just missed God... to then realize he was around the whole time and u were not acknowledging his presence.  I say I would do anything God asked me... but I don't all the time.  I pray with this new year approaching I can truly give myself as a living sacrifice unto God.  It's really been the Omie show featuring God... and it need to be the God show with special guest Omie.  Like I only make an appearance so u know who I am.   :) I would find true peace and contentment.

Another thing approaching the end is another of my dad's relationships with his g/f.  Another hurt women... I just can't stand around and watch this madness anymore... I spoke with the current love interest that he's leaving his g/f for. I told her in a lot of words, RUN!  The g/f had to move out and go back to FL.  At least she not leaving empty handed, as she caused my dad to put himself in expense for her move.  Not her fault.  He lied, promising her marriage.  That's the only reason she moved from FL to TX.  She still loves him but hates him.  I told her she's better them me because I would have stopped being nice to him.  I guess when u love someone, even when it's over.... a part of you just can't be mean to them or treating them poorly...  that is not my problem... I would dare a dude to cross me wrong... I have tough skin because of my father.

I have crawled back in to my cave because of this madness.  I don't wanna be hurt... and as much as I've experienced love... I'm done at the moment... No man is gonna do that to me... I know not all men are like that but tell my heart that. The one man who is suppose to be an example and I be his girl, can't seem to understand that.. So GUARD YOUR HEART.
His g/f said that he should get himself together for me...  I was like for me!?!?!?   He doesn't have to do ANYTHING for me, because in the end... if it doesn't benefit him, then he wont do it... so please no favors especially from him.  It won't be genuine.

so upon approaching the end, whether good or bad,  there is always a new beginning... that can also be good or bad.... so put jesus up in it... he'll work it out!

ps. pray for me getting this job.  GOD BLESS

iEnd.. HE beginnings

STRAIGHT ANGER

I'm just pissed...

At you, at me, at God, at them, at her.  Don't even know her but she's pissing me off.
How about you move, so I can move, and God can do him.
How about you shut the hell up, acting like you so damn cool, with your ducks all lined up.
PLEASE... we all know you ain't got crap together and every night you wonder how u gonna make it the next day.  Pretending will bring you no peace.
How about you stop pretending that you care, about anything, even me.  I don't care about you... wait let me stop pretending cause then I'll be acting just like you.  And what happiness did that bring to your life...
How about you stop trying to be so perfect.  Stop STOP STOP!!!  All of you... pretenders... pretending, to act like everything is okay...  cause it's NOT!
How nice is it that you can just block me...  tell me we close... and leave me... F^%# U!!!!  I don't need you... I don't love you anymore... who the hell cares about you...

me.  i do.  that's why I'm straight angry.  that's why I can't be with a man.  that's why I'm so messed up.  that's why I don't understand. that's why I hate you because you broke me.

How about, I'm mad at me... because I began to feel like no one loves me... my broken pieces are everywhere for them to see. no one wants pieces.

I yell at me, to stop and listen, to be still and wait on the only one who can glue me back together.  I feel like I'm fading... my strength, gone.
Goals and dreams, vanishing.

you there, what will you say.  man... if u need an ear, i'm here for you. what will you say to me afterward... what has already been said, what I would say. "Have faith, trust in God, know he is able.  You have to be patient."  Don't you get tired of saying it to be nice.  I do... tell me the truth or tell me nothing.

How about this... I'm just angry and instead of letting it eat me up, I'm writing it down.  By tomorrow, I will have moved on, as God carries me through this rough time.  I still might feel like a failure but I'll succeed one day...  until then.

iPray

Childhood Memories

Growing up, I've always felt left behind.  I know it began when my father left me and it continued to spiral.  In my group of friends through out the years I was always the last one: last one to leave, last one to hear whatever news was going around, the last one to get the joke, last one to get those hot new shoes that by the time I got them were not hot anymore, and so on and so forth.  My mom told me stories of how I use to call at the kids from the window, telling them to come play, don't leave. Sad rite...

Well now I'm older, and I still feel some what the same.  Now I wonder if it's something that I am continuing as a pattern or if that just what it is.  I have friends... but I still feel left behind at times. With my relationships, I never gave the chance to be left.  If I know its not gonna work, I cut it off first.  I don't know if my feelings of being left out have anything to do with my personality (do people now wanna talk to me) or distance.  I'm just too far to make any connections.  I'm moving closer to where most of my friends live.  I guess well see about that.

Growing up...  hummm I don't remember much from my younger days.  Not much about tv shows, or family gathers, cool conversations with my mom, times my dad was around:  all of that a BLUR.  I do remember wrestling.  

Happy times sitting on my dad's back watching it.  I do remember my house in Hyattsville.. playing with an egg as my baby as oppose to the doll babies I had.  As my mother yells at me for wasting her tissues.  I made the babies bed out of the the oh so soft tissues in the shoe box.  I loved to care for the egg, talk to it, sing to it, and make sure it was happy.  But with an egg you can put it back in the fridge and go on about your business.


Today, I love children.  I am always hanging out with my nieces or nephews when I get the chance. Give respect and get it back.  Every weekend, my niece comes to visit and play with the puppies.  We read (a battle at first but now she'll bring her book), watch movies, go to the dog park, play, and go to church.  For the weekend I play mom, but sunday she goes home.  Just like the egg.  I definitely want my own egg that I don't have to put back in the fridge or send home.  I laugh when she come over because I forget that right around 8 am or 9 am she is going to be hungry.  I can go hours with out food but since I'm not trained yet in the art of a child's schedule it's so strange, but we make it work, as she tells me, I don't like the way you cook your eggs.  Another problem my kids wont have because they will know nothing else. :)

Growing up, I wanted people to keep me around.  You know that whole thing with my Dad leaving... developed abandonment issues.  I did whatever I need to do to fit in.  I didn't have real friends until I hit college.  That's when I found out if the people I called friend in high school and before, really cared about me, or what I could do and/or get.  Those individuals allowed me to be the goofy, geeky, not so cool girl that I was.  Like I said before, I was a late bloom and it showed and I didn't care around them.  Everyone else, it was all a show in an effort not to be left behind.


Nowadays, I know it still exist.  I get the urge to do something to please everyone so they'll like me, and wanna talk to me.  Include me in there life, while I don't so much include them in mine.  Sometimes I would bring people in to my world with even caring because they never really saw me, they saw my show.  The act.  I pull the act with people, wait correction, men that I meet for the first time.  Definitely guarded.  It has come somewhat down a few times, but recently it was gone... but that was short lived because being the real me all the time, I realize, is not for everyone.  Does that mean I'm fake around you, NO NO NO!  I don't know that.  I didn't do that before. The difference now, I wont do anything to please you.  If I feel like being nice, then that's just it. But I'm not giving hand outs.  To painful in the end.


Growing up, I was spoiled. Still am but not the way I use to be.  I got any thing I wanted, from my dad.  My mother... was a different story.  

Nintendo, done. 

Super Nintendo, done.  

Game boy, done.

Sega game gear, done.  

Playstation, Done.  

Camera, done.  

Money, Done and Done.  

1st Computer :Tandy, Done.2nd Computer: Compaq, Done.  (no pic)

3rd Computer: another stupid Compaq, Done.  

4th Computer: Dell Laptop, Done.  

5th Computer: Sony Viao Laptop, Done.Christmas or birthday presents given, but you see the pattern that my father supported.  I didn't see the big deal.  I behaved, did good in school and it was whatever I wanted.  No allowance to save and understand how to invest.  Anything you want.  No explanation of how much it cost, or how it worked.  I was never unappreciative.  I learned that from my mom.  If she bought me 5 cent candy, I was blurting out thank you soo much before I could even get it in my hand.  Didn't want her to snatch it back and say just kidding.  That was my mother.  The hard one, never giving in.  But when she did, generosity all over the place. 

So now I have this thing about if I want, I get it.  Put me in a lot of trouble.  This trouble calls me on the daily... and it makes people who don't know me, think I got it like that.  Flying here, flying there, buying movies, tvs, and things of that nature.  Now I have these things and I'm still alone while my trouble calls my phone.  Hard lessons for me but I appreciate it just as much as my mom treated me back in the day.  I have a weakness for electronics, but because my mom didn't get me the latest gear and helped me to realize, if it fits and is comfortable, rock it, I don't have an issue with clothes.  (we wont talk shoes now.. lol!!!  i've gotten way better).  Now the only thing I want is be walking were God wants me.  Regardless of who says what... that's what I need. 

Refreshing to share... childhood memories... to put out there.  Helping me understand what God sees in me. Why he choose me...

Until next time..

iRefresh 

so amazing

God is so amazing.  So are people.  I'm grateful for those I call friend.  I've been learning that actions will always speak louder then words.  Little things that people do will always mean more then what they say.  

I finally found a church that I could attend and feel good about it.  Since I've been in Texas, I've been going from church to church and it feels great to be attending the same church enough that the pastor recognizes you been there more then once.  Above and Beyond Fellowship is a great church.  Pastor Will Lindsay!  Yes his name is Will Lindsay.. quite interesting when I told ANQ Will Lindsay!  Anywho, this past month he's been doing a series on the seven deadly sins.  It continues to bless my life.  This past sunday his sermon really hit home.  He talked about sloth and basically said: no purpose no point.  That is a motto has been a part of my lifestyle for a while.  Helps to keep me from doing foolishness.

But what happens when you fall in love.  Yes that's right.  I feel in love.  It was a great time and a blessing from God to understand such a thing.  Everything that the God talks about in the bible about love is so true.  I also began to understand how much work it is but I don't have to worry about that because I'm single.  :)  I'm happy when I finally get to connect with the person God has for me, I will be able to understand the true essence of love and know that true love comes only from GOD!

God has opened so many doors in my life and answered so many question.  I've always wanted to know what it meant to be in love.  I would pray and ask God what is the deal with being in love.  He allowed it in his own special way and I am more then grateful.

Okay enough of that.

I'm thinking about starting a web show.... lol!  Looks like fun.  We'll see...

so much more I would like to write... I'll figure out how to put it in words.  ACTion > Words!  And since I'm such a visual person, doing is easier.  later reader

iPost