STRAIGHT ANGER

I'm just pissed...

At you, at me, at God, at them, at her.  Don't even know her but she's pissing me off.
How about you move, so I can move, and God can do him.
How about you shut the hell up, acting like you so damn cool, with your ducks all lined up.
PLEASE... we all know you ain't got crap together and every night you wonder how u gonna make it the next day.  Pretending will bring you no peace.
How about you stop pretending that you care, about anything, even me.  I don't care about you... wait let me stop pretending cause then I'll be acting just like you.  And what happiness did that bring to your life...
How about you stop trying to be so perfect.  Stop STOP STOP!!!  All of you... pretenders... pretending, to act like everything is okay...  cause it's NOT!
How nice is it that you can just block me...  tell me we close... and leave me... F^%# U!!!!  I don't need you... I don't love you anymore... who the hell cares about you...

me.  i do.  that's why I'm straight angry.  that's why I can't be with a man.  that's why I'm so messed up.  that's why I don't understand. that's why I hate you because you broke me.

How about, I'm mad at me... because I began to feel like no one loves me... my broken pieces are everywhere for them to see. no one wants pieces.

I yell at me, to stop and listen, to be still and wait on the only one who can glue me back together.  I feel like I'm fading... my strength, gone.
Goals and dreams, vanishing.

you there, what will you say.  man... if u need an ear, i'm here for you. what will you say to me afterward... what has already been said, what I would say. "Have faith, trust in God, know he is able.  You have to be patient."  Don't you get tired of saying it to be nice.  I do... tell me the truth or tell me nothing.

How about this... I'm just angry and instead of letting it eat me up, I'm writing it down.  By tomorrow, I will have moved on, as God carries me through this rough time.  I still might feel like a failure but I'll succeed one day...  until then.

iPray

Childhood Memories

Growing up, I've always felt left behind.  I know it began when my father left me and it continued to spiral.  In my group of friends through out the years I was always the last one: last one to leave, last one to hear whatever news was going around, the last one to get the joke, last one to get those hot new shoes that by the time I got them were not hot anymore, and so on and so forth.  My mom told me stories of how I use to call at the kids from the window, telling them to come play, don't leave. Sad rite...

Well now I'm older, and I still feel some what the same.  Now I wonder if it's something that I am continuing as a pattern or if that just what it is.  I have friends... but I still feel left behind at times. With my relationships, I never gave the chance to be left.  If I know its not gonna work, I cut it off first.  I don't know if my feelings of being left out have anything to do with my personality (do people now wanna talk to me) or distance.  I'm just too far to make any connections.  I'm moving closer to where most of my friends live.  I guess well see about that.

Growing up...  hummm I don't remember much from my younger days.  Not much about tv shows, or family gathers, cool conversations with my mom, times my dad was around:  all of that a BLUR.  I do remember wrestling.  

Happy times sitting on my dad's back watching it.  I do remember my house in Hyattsville.. playing with an egg as my baby as oppose to the doll babies I had.  As my mother yells at me for wasting her tissues.  I made the babies bed out of the the oh so soft tissues in the shoe box.  I loved to care for the egg, talk to it, sing to it, and make sure it was happy.  But with an egg you can put it back in the fridge and go on about your business.


Today, I love children.  I am always hanging out with my nieces or nephews when I get the chance. Give respect and get it back.  Every weekend, my niece comes to visit and play with the puppies.  We read (a battle at first but now she'll bring her book), watch movies, go to the dog park, play, and go to church.  For the weekend I play mom, but sunday she goes home.  Just like the egg.  I definitely want my own egg that I don't have to put back in the fridge or send home.  I laugh when she come over because I forget that right around 8 am or 9 am she is going to be hungry.  I can go hours with out food but since I'm not trained yet in the art of a child's schedule it's so strange, but we make it work, as she tells me, I don't like the way you cook your eggs.  Another problem my kids wont have because they will know nothing else. :)

Growing up, I wanted people to keep me around.  You know that whole thing with my Dad leaving... developed abandonment issues.  I did whatever I need to do to fit in.  I didn't have real friends until I hit college.  That's when I found out if the people I called friend in high school and before, really cared about me, or what I could do and/or get.  Those individuals allowed me to be the goofy, geeky, not so cool girl that I was.  Like I said before, I was a late bloom and it showed and I didn't care around them.  Everyone else, it was all a show in an effort not to be left behind.


Nowadays, I know it still exist.  I get the urge to do something to please everyone so they'll like me, and wanna talk to me.  Include me in there life, while I don't so much include them in mine.  Sometimes I would bring people in to my world with even caring because they never really saw me, they saw my show.  The act.  I pull the act with people, wait correction, men that I meet for the first time.  Definitely guarded.  It has come somewhat down a few times, but recently it was gone... but that was short lived because being the real me all the time, I realize, is not for everyone.  Does that mean I'm fake around you, NO NO NO!  I don't know that.  I didn't do that before. The difference now, I wont do anything to please you.  If I feel like being nice, then that's just it. But I'm not giving hand outs.  To painful in the end.


Growing up, I was spoiled. Still am but not the way I use to be.  I got any thing I wanted, from my dad.  My mother... was a different story.  

Nintendo, done. 

Super Nintendo, done.  

Game boy, done.

Sega game gear, done.  

Playstation, Done.  

Camera, done.  

Money, Done and Done.  

1st Computer :Tandy, Done.2nd Computer: Compaq, Done.  (no pic)

3rd Computer: another stupid Compaq, Done.  

4th Computer: Dell Laptop, Done.  

5th Computer: Sony Viao Laptop, Done.Christmas or birthday presents given, but you see the pattern that my father supported.  I didn't see the big deal.  I behaved, did good in school and it was whatever I wanted.  No allowance to save and understand how to invest.  Anything you want.  No explanation of how much it cost, or how it worked.  I was never unappreciative.  I learned that from my mom.  If she bought me 5 cent candy, I was blurting out thank you soo much before I could even get it in my hand.  Didn't want her to snatch it back and say just kidding.  That was my mother.  The hard one, never giving in.  But when she did, generosity all over the place. 

So now I have this thing about if I want, I get it.  Put me in a lot of trouble.  This trouble calls me on the daily... and it makes people who don't know me, think I got it like that.  Flying here, flying there, buying movies, tvs, and things of that nature.  Now I have these things and I'm still alone while my trouble calls my phone.  Hard lessons for me but I appreciate it just as much as my mom treated me back in the day.  I have a weakness for electronics, but because my mom didn't get me the latest gear and helped me to realize, if it fits and is comfortable, rock it, I don't have an issue with clothes.  (we wont talk shoes now.. lol!!!  i've gotten way better).  Now the only thing I want is be walking were God wants me.  Regardless of who says what... that's what I need. 

Refreshing to share... childhood memories... to put out there.  Helping me understand what God sees in me. Why he choose me...

Until next time..

iRefresh 

so amazing

God is so amazing.  So are people.  I'm grateful for those I call friend.  I've been learning that actions will always speak louder then words.  Little things that people do will always mean more then what they say.  

I finally found a church that I could attend and feel good about it.  Since I've been in Texas, I've been going from church to church and it feels great to be attending the same church enough that the pastor recognizes you been there more then once.  Above and Beyond Fellowship is a great church.  Pastor Will Lindsay!  Yes his name is Will Lindsay.. quite interesting when I told ANQ Will Lindsay!  Anywho, this past month he's been doing a series on the seven deadly sins.  It continues to bless my life.  This past sunday his sermon really hit home.  He talked about sloth and basically said: no purpose no point.  That is a motto has been a part of my lifestyle for a while.  Helps to keep me from doing foolishness.

But what happens when you fall in love.  Yes that's right.  I feel in love.  It was a great time and a blessing from God to understand such a thing.  Everything that the God talks about in the bible about love is so true.  I also began to understand how much work it is but I don't have to worry about that because I'm single.  :)  I'm happy when I finally get to connect with the person God has for me, I will be able to understand the true essence of love and know that true love comes only from GOD!

God has opened so many doors in my life and answered so many question.  I've always wanted to know what it meant to be in love.  I would pray and ask God what is the deal with being in love.  He allowed it in his own special way and I am more then grateful.

Okay enough of that.

I'm thinking about starting a web show.... lol!  Looks like fun.  We'll see...

so much more I would like to write... I'll figure out how to put it in words.  ACTion > Words!  And since I'm such a visual person, doing is easier.  later reader

iPost

Dropping a line

Thought I would stop by to drop a line... say God loves you, so do I, and continue to walk in his will for you life.  HOLLA!

So I'm here pt. 4 - Refreshing pt.1

I never blog as much as I should.  I have a valid excuse this time.  I am building my Mary Kay business!!!  I never thought that would ever want to be a beauty consultant, but I love making people feel good about themselves.  Mary Kay has provided that avenue as well as extra cash. I was the top selling consultant this week and I've only been working my business for 2 weeks.

On my way home from my meeting, I was on the phone talking a my girl Rece as she make me realize that I need to stop looking for another job.  I teach dance and sell Mary Kay.  If I work my business full time, I know for a fact that I can be successful.  So I'm very happy that God is placing me where He wants me.  I never imagined doing this full time, but I love what I do.
(if you have any questions, visit www.maykay.com/oedmondson.)

I am setting up counseling this week for my dad and I.  He's working in dallas this week and makes this very hard to do.  I went to visit his sister (my auntie) over the weekend to see how she's been doing since the breast cancer surgery.  I walk in the door, and get the look.  I haven't seen my family since the incident and I don't know what they've heard and they wont ask either.  So I don't volunteer information, but when my cousin asked "So how are you doing?", I know what she is implying.   She wants me to go into details about what happened but it's not gonna help my situation nor help her life.  My family members are all about image.  So if they have to lie to keep that image looking good, they will.  I am not like that at ALL and I praise God for it!!!

This entire situation has allowed me to see where I am and it is not a bad place.  It's a place of transition, growth and molding.
I'm transitioning in my career, my lifestyle, and my dependencies. Making sure they all lead back to God and that I only depend on him.
Growth in my emotional self.  Since understanding why I could not access my emotions, they have opened up so much more.  The love I have and have shown, is growing.  The pain I feel so much more, but I know how to move on.
He's molding me and getting me ready for something HUGE!  I just need to be in the right place.  If you are reading this, know that he is doing the same with you, everyday.  Make sure you are paying attention and adhering to his voice.  He has such great plans for us and only wants us to be happy!  He would never create a will for our lives that does not fit who he has created us to be.

Thank you so much for reading along with this series.  The new series to follow will be Refreshing.   It will follow my journey through counseling with my dad.
anddd the random blogs will begin again.  It has been extremely important for me to get these things out.  Thank you again for the support and I pray what you've read touches you life in a positive and helpful way!

God Bless

part 4 iEnd....  part 1 refreshing iBegin

So I'm here pt. 3

The week of Sept. 14, I stopped at my dad's house to pick up some dress clothes.  Before I left, his girlfriend asked to speak with me.  The conversation we had blessed my life.  She told me that she wanted to speak with me ever since she moved. She filled in a lot of blank spots about their relationship and I had the chance to really let her in on the WHOLE story.  To say the least it was a GOOD shift.  My dad does not know about this meeting.

Later on that week (thur) I had a dream that would reveal to me the extent of my situation.

{dream begins}

I went to my dad's house to visit his girlfriend.

The house looked like a mix of all the houses I've lived in.

My dad was not home and I went to my old bedroom waiting for her to come up the stairs.

She came up the stairs and we began talking about her surgery.

Some how, we fall asleep on the bed.

I hear a rattling on the door and look to my right to see my father coming in the room.

He runs to Angela and hits her so hard!

I roll out of the bed and look at him, confused and anger

"what is wrong with you" I say as I pick up the phone to call the police

As his girlfriend turns to me and tells me to get something he says

"why don't you leave"

I put down the phone, pick up a lamp, and turn to him.

With all the PASSION in my heart I say, "I hate you"

As I chock back tears from anger, I say "you are a horrible father"

{dream ends}

When I wake up from this, I can barely breath. I was very upset.  I never thought I hated my father.  I let it marinate and I shared it with a his girlfriend, my mom and close friends.  The verdict of the dream: I indeed hate my father.  But because I've learned to suppress it.. it doesn't live on the surface of my actions and emotions.  I want to cry... but I can't... and I don't want to.  Why??? I feel ashamed that I've let it get this bad.  But God is bringing it to my attention to begin the healing process.  Well when I finally realized what the dream meant and what God is trying to do I realize that I have scheduled a dinner with my father for Sept. 25.  I pray.. God says go. So I go.

Dinner was good.  my father apologized about the whole incident, his behavior, and said that he love me so much.  I'm his best friend.

In my brain, I'm finding it hard to believe that I am his best friend.  It saddens me that my father does not put this much effort into his relationships with all his children.  I speak, telling him that the whole incident had to happen.  The closet of compressed rage and anger, needed to be cleaned out.  I told him I'm going back to the beginning... and allowing God to clean me out. I start to cry as I tell him, I want to have a relationship with you, I want to say I love you and mean it. "don't cry, don't cry.  look why don't you come home and we can sort this all out"

{WHOAAA stop the bus, i yell in my head}

 " NO! I'm not coming home."

 "you can bring your dogs"

 "No. I'm good where I am.  We will work this out from where I am"

This kills him internally.  In the past our feuds have been mended by his ability to either help me financially or in some manner that made him feel powerful over the situation.  Not this time.  God is making me stronger and I don't need his money or his usually services.  He even offered to move me in to my own place. I didn't take the bait. Usually I would but not this time, nor anytime in the near future.

He said lets go to counseling.  Best thing I heard him say all night.  Then he says he has a minister friend.  Another red flag.  I decide I'll find he counselor. Someone we both do not know.  I go into the weekend feeling good that I made it through that.

Knowing that God is really putting me on a pathway of his will for my life.  And all I can say is thank you.  So I'm here...  where God wants me.

Thanks to those who have been praying for me.

part 3 iEnd

So I'm here pt. 2

9/4/09 -Sitting in a new environment. I am lost completely. Thoughts of my life ending plague my brain. Friday night, I show up at my aunts house, as she tells me my brother drove off with her car. I realize at that moment, something is buggin him. We are dealing with the same demon, different way. At lease he doesn't have to feel abandon, left behind. But I can relate to the feeling of no father. because as close as that man lives, he might as well be thousands of miles away. I slowly move my stuff into the house. There is not enough room for me to move everything... suddenly I feel homeless. where is HOME!?!?!? and when will I get there. (looking up at God)

As I listen to my brother get lashes for taking the car, with his non licensed self, I hook my tv up and watch a movie praying to God from some kind of peace. That night I grabbed my arm and realized that it hurt really bad. When I look at my arm... WOW the bruise is HUGE!

swollen arm

these pictures were taken of my arm that friday. My neck was bruised because when he grabbed me, my earring dug into my ear and neck and I was kinda hanging from his hand. In the midst of the altercation I can remember telling him to stop talking so I could take my earring out cause my ear hurt so bad.

Sat. Rosie came to visit which was nice. Sunday, I can't remember all that went down, possibly church and then iHop. Not sure but I missed a phone call from the male sperm donor.

"You so mad at your father you can't call to check and see how HE'S doing?"

REALLY!?!?!?!?

I listen and the rage begins to build. I fuss and then let it go because he doesn't get it. All these years and he still doesn't get it. Here comes the week. What a way to spend labor day weekend! 9/4/09- 9/6/09 By that monday... my arm looked like this

a little more darker.. very painful

Sometime during the week, I visit the house because I need a few things. I hesitated to go because I don't want to see him. At this point I want nothing to do with him, I have nothing to say to him. or at least I don't think I do. (anger continues to brew and I'm not recognizing it. over the years i've become numb to it, totally ignoring but not letting it go). I refuse to go to the house if he is there alone. I don't feel safe at all. I can keep telling myself, he wont do anything, just go, get what you need and roll out... however, when I was 12, I watched my own brother cut himself with a knife and promise that because he drew his own blood, that he would never hurt me again. that promise last less then 24hours. From then on, I built my own philosophy. If you can do it once, no matter what you say, there is always a possibility that you can do it again. once is enough. and I know my dad is no good with promises. broke every last one while I was growing up. (i don't make them, unless I know there is no way i can break them unless I die). I got enough pain to deal with physically, mentally and spiritually.

I go.. upon walking in the door, I scare Angela (my dad's girlfriend/companion). I felt bad. I wanted to call but I wasn't sure if I was going. He calls me over to give me a hug and tell me that he loves me and misses me. After he lays all of that one, he asked if i was moving back in. NO. not at all! I mad sure he know I was just there to pick up a few things. I left. Felt a little better about my new living situation because I had a few more of my things. Life continued.

Work, doggies, now Mary Kay (Wed. 9/9/09 I joined MK! ), ANQ.

My arm by the next weekend.

The pain had finally subsided. My head/neck area was hurting a lot. I thought I would have to go to the hospital cause my neck became very stiff and the pain was becoming ridiculous . that would have been more drama for yo momma. I just hung in with it.

That weekend, I took the dogs to the dog park, helped my brothers niece, (his mother's daughter's child. He has two older sisters and two older brothers), like my dogs. Now she loves them and every time she come over, she wants to play with them. Sat. night everyone is asleep, or so we thought. My aunt wakes me up at 5am to tell me that my brother stole her car again, this time with 4 friends in and crashed it in a ditch. sighhhh the pain is spreading.

he's fine, we deal with it. My brother does not like dad. neither do I, or so I thought. it's much deeper. what another crazy weekend. sigh.

part 2 iEnd